Sometimes...

I drive my car to Sandy and 16th for a road relief at 12th, after my shift I ride the first 70 that comes my way, hop on I-84 and book it home. 

To be honest I sort of look forward to the journey. A preview of my passenger's daily routines, a friendly conversation with the driver. New perspectives are endless on days like today, a while ago I started out on a journey to self discovery. So far all I've successfully done is read a few books, done A LOT of art, researched topics that have NO end, watched a TON of YouTube videos, considered going vegan, and lost A LOT of friends. I'm fairly certain that my focus shift has completely freaked my husband out, and caused our chihuahua to have some sort of deep seated complex. All things aside, I relish in the moments I can share an honest word with a friendly stranger. 

The coffee shop girl, a liquor store manager, gas station attendant, professional student, each one of these people share a type of commonality, they're all searching. For what? 

Their purpose, a perceived purpose of happiness; to procreate, to settle down, to break free, fame, fortune, a home, a car, a kidney, a moment of CLARITY, attention, affection, but mostly LOVE.

I'm not going to get too specific, but throughout my career, a few well meaning passengers took time to let me know that "someone like me" could be anything, DO anything. 

So why limit myself to driving a bus?

Is that ALL I'm actually doing? Does it go deeper than that?

What they're really searching for is perspective. Love offers perspective, in the same way peace offers happiness. One cannot truly exist without the other. 

If ALL we are is star dust, and the Latin meaning for destiny is of the stars, could we PLEASE briefly entertain the notion that all of our lives are DESTINED to cross paths in random cataclysmic splendor? Much like the galaxy we make up in space? Stay with me here, if we're LUCKY enough to make up the stars, why not take the time to ENJOY their light?

A woman jumps up from her seat for a mother and small child, a teenager Googles directions to a rehabilitation center for the lost man next to him. A driver stops to locate a lost dog's owner.

Each action creates the light, a beauty I choose to marvel in daily.

How many dimensions exist where I finished school, got my degree and went on to succeed in ways only our society would see fit? A doctor. A lawyer. A scientist. All of these titles ARE impressive, but titles don't impress me.

The only thing I know is that driving a bus makes ME happy. I touch hundreds of lives a day, delivering the most I can from a positive perspective, generating waves of harmony in the world around me.

Just driving in circles.

Alone In My Thoughts

I drive in circles all day, but throughout the mindless greetings and careful observation of the road in front of me, there is one key factor to consider before I start planning my future with TriMet.


How will hours of daily contemplation change my life?


Perhaps I wouldn't be bothered by this if I'd had a trouble free existence, but let's be honest and say that such a life simply cannot be in this world.

I find myself replaying the death of my best friend Addie over and over again.


The day after leap year, March 1st 2012. It's been snowing and I am caught off guard by the ice stuck to the windshield. Frustrated, I scrape off only enough to see the road. We've got four minutes until the bell rings at my son's school down the street. I'm surprised we make it there on time, kiss goodbye and off he goes. Now it's time to focus. I'd been up all night studying for a physics final that day, back at our apartment I start gathering my books to put in my backpack.

Note cards? Check. Pencils? Check. Calculator? Check.

Shit. I forgot my phone.

It's in between our bed sheet and I should have left the house 12 minutes ago.

Fuck it.

I start scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed. Nikki Sojden lost a close friend this morning who had a small child. How terrible. COMMENT: "I'm so sorry for your loss Nikki, please know I'm sending you all my love during this difficult time, thank you for reminding me that tomorrow is never promised and we should cherish the ones we love today."

I should call Addie on my way and see if we're still on for Saturday.

NEW MESSAGE FROM NIKKI SOJDEN: "Do you know what happened?"
REPLY: "What are you talking about?"
NIKKI SOJDEN: "Call me right now...XXX-XXX-XXXX"

Wait who was she talking about? The only mutual friend of ours is Addie...

I call Addie's cell knowing she's at work. No answer. Fine. I text her.

"HEY CALL ME ASAP PLEASE".

Nothing.

My heart is racing and I dial her husband Andrew, pacing in my hallway. Nothing. Once more, voicemail.

"Dude call me back right away I'm freaking out right now and I need you to tell me that Addie's okay."

Last resort. I text my husband(Andrew's best friend)knowing Andrew will answer for him.

"BABE HAVE ANDREW CALL ME I NEED TO KNOW ADDIE'S OKAY."

My phone rings, it's my husband Brent.

I answer, "Hey sorry I'm just having a crazy moment right now, I need you to call Andrew and have him verify that Addie's okay."

Silence.

"Hello? Did you hear me, I need you to have Andrew call Addie and let me know she's okay."

He's crying. "I'm sorry babe."

I fall to my knees.

"No! Addie's okay, just have her text me!"

Still crying. He takes a deep breath and follows with more apologies. "We wanted to wait until after your final to tell you. Addie's gone. She died last night."

"What do you mean she's GONE? She's at the hospital? She's not dead. She can't be dead."

A knot solidified in the back of my throat and I can no longer speak. My stomach is on fire and I can barely breath.

"No."

I sit there on the floor of my apartment sobbing on the phone with my husband.

"How? What happened?"

"I don't know babe, Andrew found her this morning and he couldn't revive her."

Gavin.

"Where's Gavin? Where's Andrew?"

"I don't know babe, last time I talked to him he was at home with his mom."

"I've gotta go."

Without hesitating I was in the car hurling myself towards their house as if this would all be over the second she opened the door.

Pulling up I see Kathy's car. I run up the steps nearly slipping. Knock knock.
This is a sick joke, she's going to open that door.

It was Andrew. His face was red and his eyes were empty. We locked eyes and I grabbed him and pulled him close. We stood there crying for what seemed a lifetime.

When I finally let him go I looked over and saw Kathy. Another hug. More tears. I look around searching. No Gavin. He's with Ben and Katie.

This is a nightmare. Wake up. Please wake up.

The nightmare continued.

I can't stop crying, I can't stop wondering what happened.

I can't focus on anything and all people keep saying is,
"Calm down, try not to cry, stress is harmful for the baby."

My baby. Addison's God daughter. Braelyn. Addie called her sweet baby Rae everyday before patting my belly and swooning over the idea of a baby girl to spoil. The sting I felt when I realized she would never lay eyes on this child we have all looked forward to for months.

I retreat to the shower, at least I can cry in there and nobody will notice. Family is flying out. Funeral planning ensues.


Saturday arrives before I know it and I find myself alone in my thoughts staring at the sky.