I drive in circles all day, but throughout the mindless greetings and careful observation of the road in front of me, there is one key factor to consider before I start planning my future with TriMet.
How will hours of daily contemplation change my life?
Perhaps I wouldn't be bothered by this if I'd had a trouble free existence, but let's be honest and say that such a life simply cannot be in this world.
I find myself replaying the death of my best friend Addie over and over again.
The day after leap year, March 1st 2012. It's been snowing and I am caught off guard by the ice stuck to the windshield. Frustrated, I scrape off only enough to see the road. We've got four minutes until the bell rings at my son's school down the street. I'm surprised we make it there on time, kiss goodbye and off he goes. Now it's time to focus. I'd been up all night studying for a physics final that day, back at our apartment I start gathering my books to put in my backpack.
Note cards? Check. Pencils? Check. Calculator? Check.
Shit. I forgot my phone.
It's in between our bed sheet and I should have left the house 12 minutes ago.
Fuck it.
I start scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed. Nikki Sojden lost a close friend this morning who had a small child. How terrible. COMMENT: "I'm so sorry for your loss Nikki, please know I'm sending you all my love during this difficult time, thank you for reminding me that tomorrow is never promised and we should cherish the ones we love today."
I should call Addie on my way and see if we're still on for Saturday.
NEW MESSAGE FROM NIKKI SOJDEN: "Do you know what happened?"
REPLY: "What are you talking about?"
NIKKI SOJDEN: "Call me right now...XXX-XXX-XXXX"
Wait who was she talking about? The only mutual friend of ours is Addie...
I call Addie's cell knowing she's at work. No answer. Fine. I text her.
"HEY CALL ME ASAP PLEASE".
Nothing.
My heart is racing and I dial her husband Andrew, pacing in my hallway. Nothing. Once more, voicemail.
"Dude call me back right away I'm freaking out right now and I need you to tell me that Addie's okay."
Last resort. I text my husband(Andrew's best friend)knowing Andrew will answer for him.
"BABE HAVE ANDREW CALL ME I NEED TO KNOW ADDIE'S OKAY."
My phone rings, it's my husband Brent.
I answer, "Hey sorry I'm just having a crazy moment right now, I need you to call Andrew and have him verify that Addie's okay."
Silence.
"Hello? Did you hear me, I need you to have Andrew call Addie and let me know she's okay."
He's crying. "I'm sorry babe."
I fall to my knees.
"No! Addie's okay, just have her text me!"
Still crying. He takes a deep breath and follows with more apologies. "We wanted to wait until after your final to tell you. Addie's gone. She died last night."
"What do you mean she's GONE? She's at the hospital? She's not dead. She can't be dead."
A knot solidified in the back of my throat and I can no longer speak. My stomach is on fire and I can barely breath.
"No."
I sit there on the floor of my apartment sobbing on the phone with my husband.
"How? What happened?"
"I don't know babe, Andrew found her this morning and he couldn't revive her."
Gavin.
"Where's Gavin? Where's Andrew?"
"I don't know babe, last time I talked to him he was at home with his mom."
"I've gotta go."
Without hesitating I was in the car hurling myself towards their house as if this would all be over the second she opened the door.
Pulling up I see Kathy's car. I run up the steps nearly slipping. Knock knock.
This is a sick joke, she's going to open that door.
It was Andrew. His face was red and his eyes were empty. We locked eyes and I grabbed him and pulled him close. We stood there crying for what seemed a lifetime.
When I finally let him go I looked over and saw Kathy. Another hug. More tears. I look around searching. No Gavin. He's with Ben and Katie.
This is a nightmare. Wake up. Please wake up.
The nightmare continued.
I can't stop crying, I can't stop wondering what happened.
I can't focus on anything and all people keep saying is,
"Calm down, try not to cry, stress is harmful for the baby."
My baby. Addison's God daughter. Braelyn. Addie called her sweet baby Rae everyday before patting my belly and swooning over the idea of a baby girl to spoil. The sting I felt when I realized she would never lay eyes on this child we have all looked forward to for months.
I retreat to the shower, at least I can cry in there and nobody will notice. Family is flying out. Funeral planning ensues.
Saturday arrives before I know it and I find myself alone in my thoughts staring at the sky.
